Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Dr Babydaddy or: How I Learned To Stop Sleeping And Love Changing Diapers

So Junior Junkie is a new daddy. That certainly is not news I am breaking as he and his better half welcomed their first child a couple weeks back. I remember that time some 23+ years ago when my son was born. And again 20+ years for the birth of my daughter.

Plenty of us are parents, and we all have experienced the highs and low, ups and downs of being a parent. So Junkie, when you read this at 4am (and you will), allow me to pass on some advice for what to expect now that you are a daddy.

1) Forget sleep. Just forget it. At least for 12 years. From not sleeping through the night to illness, Get sleep when you can. Be ready to get less sleep that your wife, because unless you are breast feeding, you get less sleep. I once went a 9 days on 8 hours of sleep. On day nine when my son woke me up, I almost puked on him, which would have been fair if you think about it. But find the time to sleep when you can. Learn your child's nap cycles and use them to your advantage.

2) Forget privacy. Remember how you could go into the bathroom and your wife would never bother you unless it was an emergency? Yeah - that doesn't happen with kids. Lock the door or they will just walk right in. Learn to parent while you are sitting on the throne, because you will need to handle your first job while you are doing job #2.

3) Your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Keep that thought in your mind - trust me on this one.

4) Kids are expensive. Like SERIOUSLY expensive. Diapers. Wipes. Food. Clothes. Accessories. If you are offered hand me downs, take them. Save everything you can if you want baby #2. All their stuff is expensive the same reason bikinis are expensive: for no frigging reason! Everything they use will either get thrown out or useless quickly because they have out grown it.

5) How do you feel about bodily fluids? Well, get over that because you will get every single fluid that can come out of a body on you, and some that you never thought existed. It's inevitable. Just know it will happen - that is the only preparation you can make for it.

6) Measure the length of your child's arms, then place all the items that are fragile and important 3 times that distance away from them. Unknown to most people, babies have a power to attract items with a form of telekinesis and metal telepathy. They will grow out of it about 6-8 years old, but get that stuff at least 6 feet away. Because of their small size, their powers are pretty weak at that distance.

I'll stop there. If I think of more I'll do a part two. But let me thank TJ for cards he sent before the birth of his child. If you remember a week or so ago, I had a post "Here, There and Everywhere Part 1". Well, I remember that this is the other stack I referenced in that post. What I don't remember is why I decided the two stacks were related. I guess that's #7 for you, Junkie. Your memory fades and it will all be replaced with Disney movies and crappy children's songs from crappy cartoons. Anyhow...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX! Junkie's mailing had a nice amount of new Sox cards for me. The Pinnacle in the middle is acetate, so that is a black sheet of paper behind it. Remember Colon as a White Sox? Yeah - we're trying to forget those years too.

Very parallel-y. Doyle was a 37th round draft pick who has bounced between the Twins, Japan and Mexico. Currently, he is in the Baltimore system. Adams, who happens to turn 20 today, is in A ball with the Sox. Belle, well - you all know Albert Belle. The card scanned like crap which is a shame cuz it looks nice in person.

Crown Royal. I think Junior got his hands on a stack of these as I see a lot went out with other packages. I was happy to get the White Sox group of them. So gaudy and so beautiful.

The mass of the cards from TJ were bunting. 52 total cards in the package, with almost half (25) as new binder additions. I almost bought that Alomar about a year back at my LCS, but it was a buck and I passed. Glad I did.

Yet another Butler bunting card. All the card companies liked showing him bunting. The Febles and Milledge are both cards in the on deck circle for the baker's dozen needed cards, but I can cross them off the list. The Febles scanned really nice and looks just as good in hand.

Old, new and what in the hell is that last one? Holy moley! Did someone at Fleer just get a new clip art program the week before designing those cards? There is a little bit of everything on it. I have no idea what the ultimate goal was, but "splendid" was not the first word that popped in my head when I saw that.

Lastly a couple autographs to finish the envelope. I don't have either, so the early Paulie, still as a catching prospect is pretty sweet. Johnson is on the Sox 40 man roster and currently in Triple A Charlotte. He's been up a few times and has a 7-4 career in the bigs. No idea if he will ever crack a permanent stay on the south side though.

Thanks again TJ. Now go change that diaper - I can smell that bomb from here. BTW - I really wanted to post this video (NSFW - language), but none of the copies would allow embedding, so you get Bruno Mars.


  1. Never seen that Konerko auto before, I need to find me one.

  2. Even though I won't have kids (if I even have any at all) for several more years, all of these advice posts meant for TJJ are really making me think and know what to expect as well.

  3. OMG that Tim Foli card, must get.

  4. Hand me downs are a must. My wife has a huge family so their was always a cousin or aunt bringing us stuff. Take advantage if you can! You need Griffey money!!!!!

  5. Awesome post, Jeff! Thanks for the advice!